the power of 5

We should have been done by now. We should have already been the champions and I should be sitting on my suitcases in order to zip them up for home. Instead, we are down 1-2 to a team less talented than we are, but who is fighting for it more.

This means at most there are still five days left of peak concentration on all things Turkish volleyball. If we want a chance for the championship, we must win on Tuesday on our home court. Then, the final battle will resume on Thursday with the last whistle dishing out confetti and a shiny cup to one side or the other.

To give you a bit of background, our first match last Tuesday at home we lost 2-3. Ridiculous, considering we were up 21-16 in the fourth set that should have clinched it. Next match was at 8pm Friday in Fenerbahce’s gym, and we came out on fire, beating them easily 3-0. The next day we played at 3:30 (quick turn around) and couldn’t figure out how to play hard and together on a bad day, thus winning only the second set. Also, I found out later that Fener has finished second to Eczacibasi in the finals the past two years, so it is no wonder that this third time around their hunger could be mistaken for rabies. (foaming mouths, anyone?)

Yesterday two of our star players had bad nights—a rare occurrence. What’s not so rare, I’m discovering, is the negative spirit that seeps into this group. We had a small gathering at our place after where we all overindulged on various cheesy Turkish entrees, tea, nuts, and strawberries (good thing we ignored the call for chocolate). We ate, we talked, and many smoked. Of course I understand that some venting can be good and necessary in order to break it free from bouncing around in one’s head (I, too, could fill a page with all that, people). However, when the verbal bashing of fellow teammates and coaches is incessant, inviting others to join in linking those same, not present people as the source and cause of all their problems, the outlook for a positive turn around is slim.

Who knows. Maybe in this professional arena, this is the norm. Maybe somehow each one might be able to find a way to be great these next two matches, because their focus, their motivation lies elsewhere. I get that. Because that’s where my mind is headed.

How can you believe in a group where there is no trust, no unity? This is different from my previous experiences with both Nebraska and USA, where there has always been an important and wonderful element of team unity to rally behind. Of course it wasn’t crack-free, but there was effort to maintain it at least. I see any unity we had here unraveling quickly with no action being taken from within to hold it together.

I’ve spoken up here and there, especially with Esra, but the reality is that I am a rookie. Not only do I get that my voice doesn’t hold much power, especially to the veterans, but I also feel I should just listen and observe more than speak this time around. The game of volleyball and its team dynamics are different overseas, in Turkey. Like I said, maybe this is the norm, and so this year I will observe and learn. Next year…. Well, that’s a different story—one to consider more after the coming final whistle.

So for now my focus can be boiled down to two words: FINISH STRONG. There is too much going awry that I can’t control, but what is most important is that I finish the fight exhausted, having given everything I could to being my very best. These last two matches I have been focused on ramping up the competitive fire that is my game but that has been dwindling lately. It has felt better recently, and I want to continue to bring who I am, the one who believes, loves the battle, and who wants the ball when the game is on the line. I want to finish with her on the court. Heck, she could even be on the bench, as long as I can walk away knowing I honored my God, the giver of my talents, with what I gave back to Him.

I WILL FINISH STRONG.

one at a time

So we did it. Turk Telekom is finished, as we advance to the Finals! We won in 4 sets tonight, and it took every one of us twelve players to do it. The series thus ended 3-1, and now the battle resumes against Fenerbahce in one week.

I'm exhausted.

We get on a plane in the morning--don't know when yet (and it's almost 1 AM). It will be an exciting moment when I leave the Istanbul airport tomorrow. Not only do I get to go back to Esra's and SIT, but what is most excellent is that the next time I will enter that airport will be to begin my journey back to the US of A!

One more push. A few more matches. Gotta give every ounce of anything that I have left... And I will. God help me, I will.

Tonight, though, I just wanna go home......

how Fuji's shirt applies to Easter

I'm exhausted. But that will all be over by tomorrow morning. That's right. I'm deciding this night's sleep will be all the recovery I will need to bring it tomorrow for the second round of the semi-finals.

We lost in 5 on Friday in Ankara against Turk Telekom. Whew--what a battle. Each game was only a two or three point difference. What's cool is that we have had two days to review it and make little necessary adjustments. What's no so cool is that in the semis, you must win best of 5 matches not sets in order to advance to the finals. That's a big change from the "one 'n done" of college volleyball, even National team events! I do love a great battle, though, and every single set will be nothing less than that with this opponent!

By the way, I forgot to mention that last week the number one seed Gunes Sigorta (the one we played a billion times before--winning all but one match) was knocked out by the last seed of the playoffs! That round was only best of 3 matches, but Galatasaray found a way to win! Amazing--everyone was shocked! Now this eighth seed is losing soundly to Fenerbahce, who will likely advance to the final round 3-0.

In our gym, things aren't quite as fluffy and sweet. It's good though that amid all the intensity and pressure all around us that we could walk out of a mostly bad practice smiling. Beppe was on edge from the beginning. The veins really began to pop near the middle of practice during a usual 6 on 6 drill. There was some confusion in the backrow, leaving a ball to fall without a body flying after it. Fuji was center back and the ball hit the very tip of one of the corners. Beppe made her chase balls all over, then exploded in broken english, "Why?! Why is dis?" In fear and lack of oxygen, she answered, "Beppe, it's impossible to.."

"Impossible!? Look at your shirt, Fuji! We are Adidas--Nothing is Impossible!!..."

He continued his shouting, oblivious to the smirks and covered mouths scattering all around.
I didn't dare change my serious expression, but it was hilarious. He actually used our sponsor's slogan as a mode of motivation in practice. A first. Practice continued in its usual way, and after we gathered to cool down and stretch it was good to see Beppe smiling as he said softley to Vesna, "Did you like that? Was good, no?"

Okay, gotta move quickly now. My head is throbbing--though, this could be less from the fact that I'm tired, and more from the fact that my face got blasted today by one of the best attackers in the league, Mirka, our Cuban. I blinked black for a few minutes, but no biggie, right?

Anyway, we play Monday night at 5:30pm and again the next day. We plan to win both of these matches, earning us a day off on Wednesday before heading back to Ankara to play match #4 on Friday. If we split the wins, we'll play the deciding match on Saturday. Brutal, right! I'm excited, though--just gotta be smart.

Before I run with my delirium to the Sheraton's plush pillow, allow me to shout out a HAPPY EASTER to all of you friends and family and blog followers out there! There are no polka-dot eggs or chocolates or marshmallow bunnies anywhere--which isn't so bad, to be honest with you (though I wouldn't mind downing a handful of cadbury's perfect pastel choco eggs--Jon, you know!). I do miss the fellowship, though, and the community. People who might stand with me in prayer and happy tears acknowledging the Reason for this celebration.

Today Jesus rose from the dead, and not by way of a cooky magic trick. He rose from the dead, proving Himself to be what He always said He was--God. He rose from the dead like all the prophets from way back when said He would, and He did so to show that death--the kind that comes by our sin and living for things that will never satisy--no longer has a grip on us. His rising means that I am free, that forgiveness is real, and that Life--the kind God, our Creator, meant for us to have--is ours to choose.

So from that humbled and thankful place, I say again HAPPY EASTER. I have so much to learn. I have so much to make ammends for. I have so.... much. What a privelege to be known and loved by the God of all. That today in practice, when things weren't going well, when my face was throbbing and patience waning, I was able--able--to choose Christ. That He was more important than anything else.

This is my blog. And tonight I felt like speaking my heart. I miss my family and I miss my friends. Less than a month now.... less than a month.

Bring on the battles (and ice) in the meantime.

to do or not to do

Back from Italy I am, reclining once again on the familiar red couch of Esra’s living room. Three loads of laundry strewn over various racks with the white paper floor lamp giving the room a soft glow. As I’m plodding my unmanicured fingers all over this keyboard, my roomie is cleaned and covered in her room kneeling and lifting her hands for “namas,” or Muslim prayer. When she’s done we plan to make popcorn together. She’s going to show me (I mean, remind me?) how to do it the ole’ fashioned way with just oil in a hot pan. I like it here.

So there is much to say about Italy, of course. We did finish fourth in the European Champions League this past weekend. Though we didn’t play our best team volleyball in Perugia, we did reach our goal to be top four, ahead of a lot of other great teams in the world. There is much for us to learn from our mistakes, from the great talent and confidence of the top two teams (Bergamo and Dinamo), and from the challenges of critics. Losses are always great opportunities to grow, and it is important that we take hold of that chance to do so because now we have the playoffs to focus on. More on that later.

……………………

Ha!….I revisit this blog draft almost a week later. *SIGH* It would be a lie to say I have lacked the free time, as of course I could have traded watching that movie or going for that walk to posting an update. I have simply lacked the fortitude. Plus, the fact that I can’t use my own computer to post anything (i.e. its hormonal internet connection) makes the process more laborsome, and that never jives well with lethargy.

I have half an hour before I need to finish packing for Ankara. We advanced passed Besiktas in the first round of play-offs, and now comes the real test. The semi-final series (best of 3 matches) versus Turk Telecom (Jenny Lang Ping’s team) begins tomorrow night! I am fired up and hope I get a chance to join the battle this round. I didn’t suit up against the Besiktas matches. Beppe said he wanted to give others some game reps—this included the middle returning from the injury and our Turkish right side hitter (Nancy suited but didn’t play). So even though Beppe said that I’m not finished and he wants to use me when he can, I know anything can happen.

So regardless of his decisions, it feels great to say that I’ve been kicking butt in practice and am entering into each day feeling good about what I’ve been doing with what I can control. I am so thankful that the connection with Naz is improving a lot, that my body feels healthy and strong, and that all payments are coming in on time (most other players I know overseas aren’t so fortunate). Most of all, I am thankful to know that I am where I should be and that this—all of this—is truly God’s thing…and I am but a willing player.

Oh, and another thing I am thankful for: Mom’s TOFFEE! That’s right folks. Everyone reading this should be insanely jealous that I opened a package from my mother to find bags and bags of homemade toffee—one of her many, many mouth watering specialties. I wanted so much to share with the people in my Istanbul sphere a taste of my home, especially since they have been so generous to me in theirs. I finally handed it out after our win on Monday night to all staff and teammates, and the expected “Mmmmm” and “Wow!” did follow every bite! “Thank you! Please tell your mom THANK YOU!!” So there ya go, mom—your toffee is now an international wonder! J

On that note, this entry must close as my unorganized roller bag beckons. I will aim to update sooner rather than later this time. If you have any suggestions or questions, holla my way so I can answer them in the next blog. Again, your support and prayers are definitely felt way out here in this city that spans two continents—so thank you, too.

On with the journey…….

prepare to win

There are many odd and wonderful things about Turkey. For instance:
- Tomatoes and cucumbers are staple foods, and it is customary for tomatoes to always be peeled before eating.
- Soup is always a first course in a meal, and it is shocking to have a glass of milk at dinner. People gawked at me and seemed to be gagging. ReAlly?!
- At the movies, you buy a ticket that is assigned seating. Butter for your popcorn is nowhere to be found, and you should expect a 10 minute intermission during the film.
- The shirt that I am wearing right now has a horrible blob-like drawing on it with the writing: “Dear Diary: I was hungry but mister pudding got angry.” Every time I look down, I laugh out loud. If you’re not laughing, too, we must not be very good friends. J

Besides this randomness, allow me to elaborate a bit on the happenings of this week. We finished up two key elements to our season. We beat Fenerbahce in 5 sets to take the Turkish Cup on Wednesday. Not only do we get to hold up a big gold cup and sway and clap to the tune “We are the Chaaampions,” but supposedly this means a big bonus pay day. Hmm…we’ll see, I guess.

I ended up not suiting up for the match at all. Now that GoGo, the other middle who was injured, is back, our roster is expanding beyond the allowed 12. Because I was the fourth foreigner, they decided to keep me out and let her suit up instead. There was the initial thought of “Heey…” seeing as how I started and did well in our previous match, but the situation makes sense and, even more important, is completely outside of my control. I was washed with peace from the sidelines, and proceeded to bring it the rest of the week in practice.

Last night with Nancy out to rest her shoulder, I played again with the team as we completed another goal gaining all 12 points to finish out the Turkish League regular season. We knocked off our opponent in three sets, bumping us up to 3rd place in prep for TL playoffs that begin first week in April.

So now, as Beppe would say, we need to put in our pockets the Cup and also the playoffs and focus entirely on the Final Four this coming weekend. We will have two solid days to train here and get better, then we leave for Perugia, Italy Wednesday morning!

I just filled many pages in my journal earlier about this exciting week ahead. I am thankful that I am not a stranger to big matches, though this is a world stage unlike any other that I have experienced. There are many distractions to manage as I embrace the chance to get better this week in practice and take the floor each time confident in my skills and presence and heart.

If you would join me, please, in praying throughout this week for a clear and pure mind—that the coming distractions and pulls for the recognition of people would pass easily out of my mind. That my focus would stay in the present as I feel the pleasure and guidance of the Father and that together we would maximize this incredibly exciting opportunity in front of me. I want to enjoy each moment and the people around me. I want to be used by Him however He would want. And I want to bring Him honor as I compete on Saturday (and hopefully Sunday), unleashing the best of the talents He has given me. That in doing so, my mind would be far from proving myself to others, but instead focused on the moment, the ball, and feeling His pleasure as I soar. Please pray also just for the safety of myself and our team—the travel, our health, etc. Thank you, thank you, thank you….

In other news, I have been so blessed this week by Esra and her mother, who has stayed with us all week. She has lovingly prepared every meal, and as I watched her move about the kitchen dicing and flipping last night, I missed my own momma even more. Esra and I have also continued our laughter-filled ways, having devised a secret that we will unveil only if we win the Turkish League—heh heh. My goofy side is slowly creeping out of hiding and Esra, though a bit shocked I’m sure, is loving it. The other night she, Selime, and I danced in the streets (no joke) on our way to the coffee shop where they convinced me to make prank calls to their friends using my various accents. The poor guys met a British Elizabeth, a Spanish-like Anita, and a southern-belle Jenny. Haha…good times.

As I close out this entry, you should be aware that my computer once again can’t seem to connect to an “Excellent” signal. You can just imagine the twitching fits I incur as a result of this madness (and people think the frizz is caused by humidity…). So I’ve tried to do minimal updates and such through Esra’s Turkish computer. The keyboard is all screwy, though, so communication is difficult. However, I will do my best on this Italy trip to stay in contact.

Our semi-final against Dynamo will be Saturday night and the final will take place on Sunday. I’m sure there is a way to watch it online. If I find out specifics, I will try to give the link here if I can. Anyway, bless you all. I miss you and long for your faces and hugs. Another great adventure awaits—thanks for being a part of it!!

kneeling straight up

A grande latte, a small plate now spackled only in crumbs, and a view of sea gulls skimming the choppy ripples of the Bosphorus. Ahhh…. I would be outside also taking in the fresh air, but it’s still a bit too chilly for all that. Plus, there’s no plug for my computer (c’mon, it can’t all be romantic). Today is a day off, and the only thing I envision for it is sitting and typing and sipping.

It has definitely been a full week, beginning with our preparations for the important European Champions League match vs. the Polish team that took place on Wednesday. And guess what, people? We finished them off in three sets! I was expecting a raging battle, but they never really responded to us coming out strong at the start. So now at the end of March we will be going to Perugia, Italy for the European Final Four! This is a big deal, I am learning. Esra, for example, has been with Eczacibasi for five years and playing pro for about eight years total, and this is her first time to go. It has been seven years since Eczacibasi has been to the Final Four.

The other three teams will be Perugia (who received a free pass as the host), Dynamo from Russia, and Bergamo from Italy (who knocked off the previously undefeated favorite Italian team of Pezaro). [Be advised, I may have totally butchered every one of those names]. We face Dynamo in the first round. My heart races just thinking about it…

In celebration of meeting a big goal for the club, the Eczaci board hosted a catered dinner in our honor Thursday night. We got all fancied up, and each took turns speaking a few words. It really was a cool atmosphere—awkward at times, but not near as intimidating as it could have been. Many of the girls spoke about the unique family feel of the club—which, although it is still infiltrated with the usual politicking, really is a special dynamic for this club.

After the dinner, Esra and I went home. We were soon shouting and laughing and hitting each other as we watched Bergamo defeat Pezaro in a fantastic match—wanting Bergamo to win, of course. Then she asked me to help her answer some interview questions in English. She dictated her general ideas while I typed out the proper form. It was such a blessing—not only did I get to learn more about her and the development of Turkish volleyball, but such quality time enabled me to get outside of my own mind for awhile. And, boy, did I need that!

Also, watching that match taught me a lot about the level of the best in Europe. I saw the great plays, and I also saw the errors. The coach of Pezaro was from the Brazilian national team—the best of the best in the world. He actually even looked a lot like Beppe to me. Then I learned that Beppe, in fact, used to coach Bergamo and was very successful there.

All this caused me to pause. I saw, even more, how blessed I was to be at this club, in this city, with our top players, and under the leadership of Beppe. I have been so fortunate throughout my entire career to be led by the best in coaching, and Beppe is no exception. Even before I learned a bit of his background, he always impressed me in how he spoke about the game. He is very limited in his English vocabulary, but he does a fine job communicating what we need to do and how we need to think.

I watched talented middles from both teams get their jobs done. I watched how they moved laterally, how they handled broken plays, and their shot selection in various situations. They are talented, and they are professionals. But I also saw humans. I saw people with stories who make mistakes like serving out on two key set points or who blister a great shot one inch out of bounds. I saw myself out there, too—in the midst of such a battle, loving every nail-biting second, and wanting the ball when it’s all on the line. I do belong at this level. It’s taken me some time so far to settle in to my game here, but I believe my game does fit nicely into the groove of Europe’s top.

Yesterday, in fact, was a good and timely step towards feeling some of that groove. We had another Turkish League match, this time in Ankara, and I played well. I was light and focused, and I wasn’t trying to prove myself to anyone. My preparation didn’t differ so much from every other match I’ve played here, but I felt more primed—if that makes any sense.

I’ve been dealing a lot with where I stake my value. And so far I’ve discovered people’s opinions have been affecting my self-worth and confidence much more than I realized before. I knew what was true in terms of God being the meeter of my needs and finding me fully approved where I stand because of Jesus, but I wasn’t living out that belief. And not to say that I have arrived at the answer by any means, but my increased awareness is critical. It’s bringing out a rather quizzical posture of standing taller while on my knees.

So it is in that posture that I offer the often understated words, “Thank You.” And I offer them to my ever-present Father who is faithful to complete the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6). Like I told the board and my teammates that night at dinner, I am so thankful and honored and humbled to be a part of this journey. That although I sometimes feel like an imposter joining in mid-season, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to begin my pro career.

I must enjoy this. I may never have the chance to be among the best professional volleyballers in Europe at the prestigious Final Four. I may never be a part of a talented “family-like” club again. I may never have teammates as generous or a coach as patient again. I may even decide that I would rather write a book next season instead of play this game (don’t hold your breath). Point is, I must throw off all that hinders and all that robs my joy in this moment God so purposefully placed me (Hebrews 12:1). I will enjoy this, and I will continue to bring to it everything I have and everything that I am (and am becoming).

This Starbucks overlooking the water is now bustling with customers. Both levels are full, I’m sure. I am tucked away in a corner, quite comfortable and secluded. Unfortunately, though, my little nook has issues recognizing the free internet (yeah, FREE in a Starbucks—what a concept, right?). I mentioned this to a worker who had come to gather my crumby plate—thinking maybe the free wi-fi was too good to be true. We didn’t speak the same language, but he gestured understanding, poked around on my keyboard a little, and pointed upstairs. I just nodded and smiled, thinking maybe he meant that upstairs had better connectivity.

Instead, during the writing of this here blog, at least five different members of the Starbucks staff (each one having a progressing capacity to speak English) came to my aid about 10 times total. One even took my laptop on a mini tour of the shop trying to see if connectivity happened elsewhere. This, my friends, is service. The fact that I never got connected is a mute point compared to the efforts the green-aproned men made to make it happen. Turkish people pride themselves on their servanthood attitudes, and so far their actions have really backed that up—not including the terrifying rug spaz, of course.

This coming week we play for the Turkish Cup final against Fenerbahce at home on Wednesday. If we win, the girls are planning to go out dancing that night. Uh oh! Even if they dismiss me as having no dance skills whatsoever, they will see what it looks like to let the music move you!

On with the journey…

good day for a square

I seriously overdosed on milk and honey corn flakes today—relishing each perfect bite during both breakfast and dinner, polishing off the entire box! But I’ll have you know that a box of cereal here is like a third of what it is in the States—so let’s be clear! ….Ahem.

My day off today was actually much more interesting than that little tid bit. March 8th not only happens to be Women’s Day in Turkey and all of Europe, but Muslims also celebrate Mohammed’s birthday. What made the day so great for me, though, was that wonderful Vesna took me, her 5-year-old son Nicola, and her mother to Istanbul’s famed center gathering place Taksim Square. I wish I had photos of the great European buzz and cobblestones, but my dang camera laid dormant in my bedroom all day instead. Next time.

Anyway, Taksim was great. So many fun shops, of course—both the expensive and bargain kind—and incredible food selection. Tons of people, most of them wearing black (don’t ask me why), spouting all sorts of languages, and giving us two tall blondes a good stare-down (stare-up, rather?) before passing. It was fun to watch how generous Vesna was with her son, and with all of us for that matter—with food, attention, patience, and small gifts. She is away from him so much because of volleyball, so it was clear that this time with him meant a lot for both of them.

Besides these precious moments with Nicola, Vesna’s main mission was to pick up some shoes some guy in an lone alleyway shop had made for her—yeah, this is how people overseas solve the “I can’t find my size anywhere but Payless” issue. It was fun to see her flash the shiny new pumps with big-time heels. I was overwhelmed by the “borrowed” designs of Gucci, Prada, etc. nodding like snobs at my own big feet and dusty brown shoes. Anyway, I ended up ordering a couple pairs which totaled to an obscene amount of money (remember, I’m the girl who cringes if the shoes at Payless aren’t on clearance). Apparently they only need seven days to make me the “perfect shoes.” Although I still twitch a little when I think about my wallet, it was kind of fun to splurge on my feet for once. Plus, black boots and tan sandals are actually quite practical choices, wouldn’t you say? …Good answer.

So about the big important Poland match from last week… We WON! We beat a talented team in 4 sets amid a constant blare of whistles and drums. This means that when we face them again this Wednesday at home, we have to win at least 2 sets in order to move on to the European Final Four in Italy! So we will see. No word yet on the Armani warm-ups. First, we have to get better; I have to get better in practice tomorrow. Looking forward to working on my neutral read position and quick hand penetration on the block (for you volley-buffs).

And now you may be expecting the deep stuff next, right? How can Tracy actually do a blog without exposing yet another piece of her bleeding heart? Okay, okay. Of course there is much I could say here—like about how some revelations have begun to surface as to what the deeper causes are to some of my struggles here. But, lucky for you, I don’t feel like going there right now. Instead, I will leave you with a piece of truth I encountered yesterday that is both beautiful in its imagery and challenging in its depth.

If clouds are full of water,
They pour rain upon the earth.

Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
In the place where it falls, there will it lie
Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
Whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

As you do not know the path of the wind,
Or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
So you cannot understand the work of God,
The Maker of all things.

Sow your seed in the morning,
And at evening let not your hands be idle,
For you do not know which will succeed,
Whether this or that,
Or whether both will do equally well.

Ecclesiastes 11:3-6